A former student of mine got sick. He had prepaid for a block of private lessons.

We don’t give refunds. I gave him one anyway. It was a lot.

I felt two things. Bad, because of the money. Good, because it was right. Then a third thing came up. I wanted credit. Only he and I knew, and part of me wanted that to change.

Would keeping it have made me a bad person? No. It was policy. But I didn’t keep it, and that came from a thousand decisions before it. ¹

Here’s what I was thinking about later. Nobody asks for credit for being a good training partner. It doesn’t work that way. People say it about you, and usually not when you’re around. The credit worth having is the kind you never ask for.

Years ago I rolled with a blue belt I’d never met. I was a purple or brown belt. With new people I like to feel them out and play off their energy.

We were just flowing. He went for an armbar and cranked right away. I had no chance to tap and that made me mad. I resisted, which was dumb, and I escaped. Then I decided to make him pay. I took his back and flattened him out, belly down. I didn’t go for the choke. I kept him face down for the rest of the round.

I felt bad about it afterward. I still do.

I didn’t ask for blame that day. I tried to forget it. But if I get to want credit for the refund, I have to own the blame for that round. You don’t get to pick one.

I have a good reputation as a safe, helpful training partner. I didn’t earn it in one round, and one ugly round didn’t erase it. It took hundreds of rounds.

So don’t ask for credit. Don’t hide from blame. Who you are is how you are most of the time.